What a thought provoking piece, Nancy. I don't particularly like the phrase, "It'll be okay," yet I understand it. The phrase is used in a moment when we don't know what else to say and we don't want to obliterate any last shred of hope for someone, let alone our own self and our need for hope.
Being okay takes more work these days. I wake up with a prayer of thanks, a life long habit that sets the tone; but often that tone is gone by the time the tea kettle is whistling. Still, I dig around, looking for small, ordinary things that house the extraordinary. And I cling to kindness, because I think kindness is a way of giving; and it's also a reminder that we have so much that we can give it away. Things are not okay in our country right now, and yet as Susan Meyers points out, there will be crocuses.
Also, is it possible that too much positivity can be toxic? That we can talk ourselves out of real feelings and push them down where they will surely grow and make us more uncomfortable? Is part of "It'll be okay," that it strips us of very human emotions that we judge as negative? I want it to be okay -- sometimes the best I can do is to water my plants, love on my husband and my dog, and bring my world down to a smallness that is one step at a time; one breath at a time; one crocus at a time.
And a PS - I had the honor of being in a writing group with Susan Meyer for several months, and I loved and learned from her "keepin' it real" attitude.
There are many times when it's hard to know what to say, that's for sure. And yes, no one ever wants to obliterate anyone else's hope. But platitudes tend to make me cringe. I try hard to not use them.
Gosh, I've written about toxic positiity many times on my other website, and it's a theme in my book, "Cancer Was Not a Gift & It Didn't Make Me a Better Person". You can probably tell that by the title how I feel about toxic positivity.
I just recently discovered Susan Meyer's Substack and I'll be reading more of her writing. Actually, "keeping it real" has always been another theme/mantra of mine. How wonderful that you were in a writing group together.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on my essay. I appreciate you.
Nancy, the current state of our country is so disturbing that I have no idea what will come next, and I’d love to have the certainty that it will be okay. Cancer led to a new normal, and I sure hope that the new normal ultimately will be better than the current state of affairs.
It is disturbing, for sure. I'm feeling a bit better today after WI said yes to Susan Crawford and no to Elon Musk. It restored a bit of my faith in my fellow voters, but we shall see what happens going forward. My faith in our system of checks and balances is sorely shaken.
I hope the current state of affairs is short lived - but any amount of time will be too long as the damage being done is massive and who knows how much of it can be repaired down the road.
Thank you for reading and taking time to comment, too. I appreciate you.
Nancy, first let me say that I am happy for your state, having defeated Elon Musk’s attempt to destroy democracy.
I am a realist too, and it’s always been hard for me to be around people who embody toxic positivity. I can remember in nursing school, the professor who taught us about oncology nursing told us not to give false hope. She told us to be honest in our answers to patients and not to make assumptions about what could happen, no matter the prognosis.
I took that to heart and when I started working in oncology, really bothered me that some of the nurses exuded that toxic positivity and false hope even when the patient was obviously not buying it.
As far as the country goes, I feel a little more optimistic this week, with the election results in your state and the shift in those Florida Congressional districts toward Democrats, even though they didn’t win. With all of the incompetence in the Cabinet, I really think it is only a matter of time before the mistakes and disasters add up and both people and an adequate number of elected officials can no longer tolerate the idiocracy and sociopathy.
Still, I don’t think for sure it will be okay. We’ve gone too far over the line. Many of the wealthy people in this country are benefitting at the expense of the rest of us and are sociopathic enough to not care. Our democracy is running on three cylinders and falling apart like a Rivian.
I’m afraid in our lifetimes we won’t see a recovery from the damage of this administration, and younger people will be left to clean up the mess. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for wealthy people to find it in themselves to contribute to society by helping those who need help, instead of accepting the handouts of tax breaks from the government, all the while blaming poor people for being welfare queens. There are enough resources that every person in this country could have a decent quality of life, if the rich would pay their fair share. I am tired of the hypocrisy and I have no filter anymore about calling it out.
I completely agree with all your points. I, too, am feeling a little more optimistic this week, but only a little. So much damage has been done that even if we change course in the near future, it's going to be hard to get back on track. The midterms and 2028 are far off, at this point, and this makes it all the more challenging to be hopeful now. A person starts to wonder if this much damage has been done in 75 days or so, what will have transpired by the end of this administration? Without the GOP waking up and doing its job (and the MAGA crowd waking up, too), I see a long nearly four years ahead and beyond.
Still, we need to keep plugging away and using our collective voices to expess our dissatisfaction with the what's been happening. Eventually, one party will be tasked to clean up the mess left by the other party. That will be a massive undertaking and likely take a long time.
So, will it be okay? Who knows. I guess time will tell.
Thank you for your well-articulated points. I appreciate them and you.
I love the idea of “there will be crocuses.” There will most certainly be moments of peace. But it never feels okay to lose a loved one or experience the consequences of cancer. That statement often lands poorly with me. I’ll just translate the words in my head to “there will be crocuses” from now on. ❤️
I said, "I hope she will be OK" to someone recently whose daughter has breast cancer. And, "I'll be thinking of her a lot." I don't know if adding the word "hope" is the right thing to say, either! But it's what I said.
I think adding the word "hope" changes the meaning entirely. For the better. Also, letting the mom know you are thinking about her daughter was appreciated, I'm sure. I hope her daughter will be okay too. Thank you for reading and sharing. I appreciate you.
Looking back at platitudes offered- they served me, igniting anger, insult and rage. Created a new monster to fight when cancer,pregnancy loss or deaths hollowed me. Reading today, it’ll be ok, reminded me of the old children’s story, The Little Engine that Could. I think I can. I think I can.
“It will be ok” may be a mindless mantra to self soothe, to buy time during the numbness. It may be the only explanation that traffic continues when your world has stopped. Sorry to babble on. Words story obviously struck a nerve. Be Well.
It sounds like you have been through some tough experiences. I'm sorry. Platitudes do indeed sometimes ignite anger and rage. How could they not? Minimizing emotional pain is rarely helpful.
Interesting comparison you make between "it will be okay" and "I think I can". And mindless mantra might be a good explanation. Sometimes, that sort of thing might be needed/helpful but often not.
Thank you for chiming in on this conversation. I appreciate you.
Nancy, thank you for this insightful piece. You've articulated so well the nuanced and often contradictory feelings that arise when we hear "it'll be okay." . It's true that in moments of profound pain and uncertainty, such words can feel dismissive of the very real emotions we're grappling with. Your thoughts on how this applies to the current national climate is also spot on – many of us are feeling a deep unease that simple reassurances don't address. I appreciate you not offering a definitive answer but instead prompting us to consider the context and impact of our words.
You are spot on with your words about simple reassurances being inadequate - in any situation - but especially in moments of, as you said, profound pain and uncertainty. Feeling dismissed isn't a good feeling.
Thank you for contributing your thoughts to this discussion. I appreciate you.
This is an excellent essay, and your points are spot-on. I'm not a fan of of "It'll be okay." Maybe a better saying is that "We will eventually survive." But I don't know if that is even a good saying. Will we really survive?
Despite the news diet, I have been aware of what's going on here, and all I can say is I am so weary and worn by this new administration, which is NOT concerned with the people, just the rich people.
This administration is a disaster. And we've only been under it since January. It feels like four years have already passed. There is so much hatred in this country, fostered by this administration, and the recent security breach, in my opinion, is intolerable. I cannot stand it. I'm demoralized and feel powerless. My daughter is a U.S. citizen, legally adopted. She has enough challenges in life being Asian, but the administration's anti-DEI philosophy is frightening.
I thank goodness that books are not yet being banned in her school. She's been reading some edgy literature that I'm sure the administration would have problems with. Truly, I am worn down. I also am a realist, and I know we are heading toward a totalitarian regime.
It's good that you and your husband want to be part of the protests. That's something I'm mulling over, too.
After your mom died, it seems your dad, indeed, wanted to comfort you. I think people in general try to comfort each other in terms of trauma. But as we know, the trauma stays, perhaps in different forms over time, but it's always there.
Thank you, again, for this thought-provoking piece.
Thank you for your kind words about my essay. "We will eventually survive" might be better, but then again... and yes, will we survive? I guess it depends on what you call survival. Even if we manage to survive, how much will we lose? That's a question that could be asked about any trauma, including cancer. So much overlap.
I'm sorry you and your daughter have extra worries due to her Asian heritage. I don't understand the anti-DEI people at all. I'm not sure when diversity became a bad thing to some people. We've slid backward in so many ways. I'm glad those books are still availabe for her to read. There are real advantages to living in a blue state.
And yes, the protests. Maybe one will work out for us to be part of. We missed the April 5 ones as we were traveling and unavailable. I'm glad so many were able to turn out. Seeing those crowds made be a bit more hopeful.
I know my dad was trying to comfort me that day. He was experiencing his own trauma, so that was hard enough for him to process, I'm sure.
Thank you for reading and sharing your insights. I appreciate you.
You are right: Will we survive? I'm no longer sure, frankly. If our democracy manages to survive, too much damage has been done, I fear, for us to really heal.
Frankly, I'm sick of all the crap our government is doing to the people, and yes, I don't know when diversity became a bad thing. What the current administration is doing will ensure that we don't survive. Our country is drowning.
What a thought provoking piece, Nancy. I don't particularly like the phrase, "It'll be okay," yet I understand it. The phrase is used in a moment when we don't know what else to say and we don't want to obliterate any last shred of hope for someone, let alone our own self and our need for hope.
Being okay takes more work these days. I wake up with a prayer of thanks, a life long habit that sets the tone; but often that tone is gone by the time the tea kettle is whistling. Still, I dig around, looking for small, ordinary things that house the extraordinary. And I cling to kindness, because I think kindness is a way of giving; and it's also a reminder that we have so much that we can give it away. Things are not okay in our country right now, and yet as Susan Meyers points out, there will be crocuses.
Also, is it possible that too much positivity can be toxic? That we can talk ourselves out of real feelings and push them down where they will surely grow and make us more uncomfortable? Is part of "It'll be okay," that it strips us of very human emotions that we judge as negative? I want it to be okay -- sometimes the best I can do is to water my plants, love on my husband and my dog, and bring my world down to a smallness that is one step at a time; one breath at a time; one crocus at a time.
And a PS - I had the honor of being in a writing group with Susan Meyer for several months, and I loved and learned from her "keepin' it real" attitude.
Hi Stephanie,
There are many times when it's hard to know what to say, that's for sure. And yes, no one ever wants to obliterate anyone else's hope. But platitudes tend to make me cringe. I try hard to not use them.
Gosh, I've written about toxic positiity many times on my other website, and it's a theme in my book, "Cancer Was Not a Gift & It Didn't Make Me a Better Person". You can probably tell that by the title how I feel about toxic positivity.
I just recently discovered Susan Meyer's Substack and I'll be reading more of her writing. Actually, "keeping it real" has always been another theme/mantra of mine. How wonderful that you were in a writing group together.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on my essay. I appreciate you.
Nancy, the current state of our country is so disturbing that I have no idea what will come next, and I’d love to have the certainty that it will be okay. Cancer led to a new normal, and I sure hope that the new normal ultimately will be better than the current state of affairs.
Hi Jan,
It is disturbing, for sure. I'm feeling a bit better today after WI said yes to Susan Crawford and no to Elon Musk. It restored a bit of my faith in my fellow voters, but we shall see what happens going forward. My faith in our system of checks and balances is sorely shaken.
I hope the current state of affairs is short lived - but any amount of time will be too long as the damage being done is massive and who knows how much of it can be repaired down the road.
Thank you for reading and taking time to comment, too. I appreciate you.
Nancy, first let me say that I am happy for your state, having defeated Elon Musk’s attempt to destroy democracy.
I am a realist too, and it’s always been hard for me to be around people who embody toxic positivity. I can remember in nursing school, the professor who taught us about oncology nursing told us not to give false hope. She told us to be honest in our answers to patients and not to make assumptions about what could happen, no matter the prognosis.
I took that to heart and when I started working in oncology, really bothered me that some of the nurses exuded that toxic positivity and false hope even when the patient was obviously not buying it.
As far as the country goes, I feel a little more optimistic this week, with the election results in your state and the shift in those Florida Congressional districts toward Democrats, even though they didn’t win. With all of the incompetence in the Cabinet, I really think it is only a matter of time before the mistakes and disasters add up and both people and an adequate number of elected officials can no longer tolerate the idiocracy and sociopathy.
Still, I don’t think for sure it will be okay. We’ve gone too far over the line. Many of the wealthy people in this country are benefitting at the expense of the rest of us and are sociopathic enough to not care. Our democracy is running on three cylinders and falling apart like a Rivian.
I’m afraid in our lifetimes we won’t see a recovery from the damage of this administration, and younger people will be left to clean up the mess. I don’t understand why it’s so hard for wealthy people to find it in themselves to contribute to society by helping those who need help, instead of accepting the handouts of tax breaks from the government, all the while blaming poor people for being welfare queens. There are enough resources that every person in this country could have a decent quality of life, if the rich would pay their fair share. I am tired of the hypocrisy and I have no filter anymore about calling it out.
Well-said, Alene. My daughter's generation will have to clean up this mess, and I'm afraid it's too late.
Hi Alene,
I completely agree with all your points. I, too, am feeling a little more optimistic this week, but only a little. So much damage has been done that even if we change course in the near future, it's going to be hard to get back on track. The midterms and 2028 are far off, at this point, and this makes it all the more challenging to be hopeful now. A person starts to wonder if this much damage has been done in 75 days or so, what will have transpired by the end of this administration? Without the GOP waking up and doing its job (and the MAGA crowd waking up, too), I see a long nearly four years ahead and beyond.
Still, we need to keep plugging away and using our collective voices to expess our dissatisfaction with the what's been happening. Eventually, one party will be tasked to clean up the mess left by the other party. That will be a massive undertaking and likely take a long time.
So, will it be okay? Who knows. I guess time will tell.
Thank you for your well-articulated points. I appreciate them and you.
I love the idea of “there will be crocuses.” There will most certainly be moments of peace. But it never feels okay to lose a loved one or experience the consequences of cancer. That statement often lands poorly with me. I’ll just translate the words in my head to “there will be crocuses” from now on. ❤️
Hi Liz,
I hope making that translation is helpful! Thank you for reading and taking time to comment. I appreciate you.
I said, "I hope she will be OK" to someone recently whose daughter has breast cancer. And, "I'll be thinking of her a lot." I don't know if adding the word "hope" is the right thing to say, either! But it's what I said.
Hi Lindsay
I think adding the word "hope" changes the meaning entirely. For the better. Also, letting the mom know you are thinking about her daughter was appreciated, I'm sure. I hope her daughter will be okay too. Thank you for reading and sharing. I appreciate you.
Looking back at platitudes offered- they served me, igniting anger, insult and rage. Created a new monster to fight when cancer,pregnancy loss or deaths hollowed me. Reading today, it’ll be ok, reminded me of the old children’s story, The Little Engine that Could. I think I can. I think I can.
“It will be ok” may be a mindless mantra to self soothe, to buy time during the numbness. It may be the only explanation that traffic continues when your world has stopped. Sorry to babble on. Words story obviously struck a nerve. Be Well.
Hi Michele,
It sounds like you have been through some tough experiences. I'm sorry. Platitudes do indeed sometimes ignite anger and rage. How could they not? Minimizing emotional pain is rarely helpful.
Interesting comparison you make between "it will be okay" and "I think I can". And mindless mantra might be a good explanation. Sometimes, that sort of thing might be needed/helpful but often not.
Thank you for chiming in on this conversation. I appreciate you.
Nancy, thank you for this insightful piece. You've articulated so well the nuanced and often contradictory feelings that arise when we hear "it'll be okay." . It's true that in moments of profound pain and uncertainty, such words can feel dismissive of the very real emotions we're grappling with. Your thoughts on how this applies to the current national climate is also spot on – many of us are feeling a deep unease that simple reassurances don't address. I appreciate you not offering a definitive answer but instead prompting us to consider the context and impact of our words.
Hi Marie,
You are spot on with your words about simple reassurances being inadequate - in any situation - but especially in moments of, as you said, profound pain and uncertainty. Feeling dismissed isn't a good feeling.
Thank you for contributing your thoughts to this discussion. I appreciate you.
Hi Nancy,
This is an excellent essay, and your points are spot-on. I'm not a fan of of "It'll be okay." Maybe a better saying is that "We will eventually survive." But I don't know if that is even a good saying. Will we really survive?
Despite the news diet, I have been aware of what's going on here, and all I can say is I am so weary and worn by this new administration, which is NOT concerned with the people, just the rich people.
This administration is a disaster. And we've only been under it since January. It feels like four years have already passed. There is so much hatred in this country, fostered by this administration, and the recent security breach, in my opinion, is intolerable. I cannot stand it. I'm demoralized and feel powerless. My daughter is a U.S. citizen, legally adopted. She has enough challenges in life being Asian, but the administration's anti-DEI philosophy is frightening.
I thank goodness that books are not yet being banned in her school. She's been reading some edgy literature that I'm sure the administration would have problems with. Truly, I am worn down. I also am a realist, and I know we are heading toward a totalitarian regime.
It's good that you and your husband want to be part of the protests. That's something I'm mulling over, too.
After your mom died, it seems your dad, indeed, wanted to comfort you. I think people in general try to comfort each other in terms of trauma. But as we know, the trauma stays, perhaps in different forms over time, but it's always there.
Thank you, again, for this thought-provoking piece.
Hi Beth,
Thank you for your kind words about my essay. "We will eventually survive" might be better, but then again... and yes, will we survive? I guess it depends on what you call survival. Even if we manage to survive, how much will we lose? That's a question that could be asked about any trauma, including cancer. So much overlap.
I'm sorry you and your daughter have extra worries due to her Asian heritage. I don't understand the anti-DEI people at all. I'm not sure when diversity became a bad thing to some people. We've slid backward in so many ways. I'm glad those books are still availabe for her to read. There are real advantages to living in a blue state.
And yes, the protests. Maybe one will work out for us to be part of. We missed the April 5 ones as we were traveling and unavailable. I'm glad so many were able to turn out. Seeing those crowds made be a bit more hopeful.
I know my dad was trying to comfort me that day. He was experiencing his own trauma, so that was hard enough for him to process, I'm sure.
Thank you for reading and sharing your insights. I appreciate you.
You are right: Will we survive? I'm no longer sure, frankly. If our democracy manages to survive, too much damage has been done, I fear, for us to really heal.
Frankly, I'm sick of all the crap our government is doing to the people, and yes, I don't know when diversity became a bad thing. What the current administration is doing will ensure that we don't survive. Our country is drowning.