There’s a line in your piece that really stayed with me: "Every cancer is different. Every cancer patient’s body reacts differently to the cancer and to treatment."
It seems so simple, yet it's a profound reminder that we must resist the urge to generalize. We often look for patterns, for predictability, but cancer defies such categorization. Each journey is unique, each body responds in its own way, and each person's path will be distinct.
This underscores the importance of individualized care, both medical and emotional. It reminds us to listen, to truly listen, to the person in front of us and their unique experience. It’s a call for empathy over assumption, for understanding over judgment. How often do we forget to take this simple wisdom into other areas of our lives?
I'm glad that line resonated. It's so obvious, or should be, that every cancer, every person, every situation is unique. And yet, generalizing is so easy. Too often we reach for easy.
You're so right about the need for individualized care, regardless of medical situation. Empathy over assumption. Love that phrase. As you suggested, it's something we should carry over into other areas of our lives, too.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing some thoughts. I appreciate you.
It’s mind-boggling to me that Joe Biden has been inundated with such criticism in learning that he has metastatic cancer. Biden is one of the most empathetic people you’ll find. He deserves empathy in return.
It is mind-blogging, isn't it? And yet... not all that surprising. I am so tired of the blame game, too, regarding the so-called coverup of Biden's decline while in the White House. I mean, the present guy who occupies it, what about him? The GOP has been party to one of the most massive coverups in history. And it's still going on. He's obviously unfit. Always has been. In more ways than one.
And you're so right, Biden deserves empathy and more.
Thank you for reading and taking time to comment. I appreciate you.
Great piece, Nancy. I don't know any family that has not had to deal with this in some way. It was pretty surprising for me to hear about Joe Biden's diagnosis given the fact that he received exceptional medical care, but when I did some research on prostate cancer, guidelines did not recommend checking for it after the age of 70. And, as you mentioned, perhaps that will need to change. I wish the Biden family well and just hope that people will just leave his family alone to deal with this privately.
I know, right? I find it a bit odd Biden hadn't been screened for prostate cancer since 2014. Of course, we don't know if that was entirely his choice. Some people pass on the screenings. And yes, the guidelines can be murky and confusing. Like you, I hope people will leave him and his family alone to deal with this privately. Somehow, I doubt that will happen.
Thank you for reading and sharing some thoughts. I appreciate you.
Thank you for this insightful article. My mother died of ovarian cancer when I was 26 ... many many decades ago. The sad irony of her case was she was a nurse on the cancer ward where she ultimately died. She watched many of her friends die there. She was in the hospital for a month before the doctors finally did exploratory surgery and came up with a diagnosis. Ovarian is such a sneaky cancer, I doubt if much has changed in the process. Even the screening test is suspect with too many false readings. And don't get me started on family dynamics and attitudes that multiply the toxic relationships. Cancer not only kills the patient. It kills the family too.
I'm so sorry to learn about your mother dying from ovarian cancer when you were only 26. That's so sad. And yes, it is ironic she was a nurse on the cancer ward. Cancer is such a cruel beast. In so many ways. Screening for ovarian cancer hasn't yet reached a reliable level. Again, RESEARCH. We all know what a hit that is taking these days.
Family dynamics can be harshly impacted by cancer, that's for sure. I'm sorry if this has been the case for yours.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and restacking, too. I appreciate you.
Your essay is poignant, and it raises excellent points. What gets me is all the criticism and judgment that Biden has to deal with in addition to his Stage 4 diagnosis.
Like you, I have heard those words that I had breast cancer, and that is when my world fell apart. I also chose a very aggressive treatment -- chemo and radiation simultaneously, as my oncologist strongly recommended it.
Judgment has not just followed Biden, and it had followed me after treatment (and I know I'm so lucky that my treatment ended) in the form of a support group. Right after treatment, these breast cancer survivors would pick on me and question my oncologist's treatment plan for me, based on -- get this -- what their oncologists chose for them. Like you say, every cancer is different. Luckily, I left this non-support group before these vultures could do more damage to me.
That being said, I can't imagine being scrutinized for having cancer the way Biden is. People in our society -- thanks to the cruelty that's encouraged nowadays -- are so critical of him. I want to say, "Leave the poor guy alone!" It's hard enough to have cancer, and it's even harder to be scrutinized and criticized while dealing with this disease.
And those platitudes? They are ridiculous. I especially love (pardon the sarcasm here) that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." Oh, and when I told a co-worker I was feeling really ill from treatments, she said flippantly, "Well at least you look good." Huh?
Thank you for the mention; I appreciate this. Cancer is a real mental bomb, and I am still spinning.
Since Biden is a former president and remains in the public eye, I get the attention he's been getting upon diagnosis. Being judged about it is another matter. Public scrutiny and unfair judgment will make dealing with an already difficult situation even harder.
I'm sorry you felt judged and picked on at a support group, nonetheless. What horrible support! I'm glad you left that group in your rear view mirror.
As you know, the platitudes drive me a little crazy. What did you say to that co-worker? I imagine it caught you offguard and likely left you speechless.
Cancer is a physical and a mental bomb. Good way to put it. I'm sorry you're still spinning. I'm not sure if I'm still spinning, but I am definitely still feeling the vibrations from cancer fallout and always will.
Thank you for your kind words. As always your kind words and support mean the world to me. Hugs. x
Thank you for your kind comment. Yes, that co-worker's remark left me speechless. It's not something one expects to hear. I was in shock, frankly. Cancer fallout is always there.
You're welcome. I can only imagine how that comment made you feel...not something one expects to hear indeed. And yes, the fallout remains. Grateful we can continue to help each navigate it.
Nancy, you perfectly articulate the emotional impact of a cancer diagnosis, especially the "trigger effect" for survivors. Your points about the misconceptions surrounding Stage 4 cancer and the unhelpfulness of platitudes are so important for fostering more empathetic and realistic conversations.
Thank you for your supportive words. Triggers are many and varied, that's for sure. And any time I get the chance to move the conversation forward about metastatic disease, I intend to try to do that.
Thank you for reading and taking time to comment, too. I appreciate you.
The “You’ve got this!” What if I don’t? We’re all expected to be chipper and smiling at all times. Sometimes, I just couldn’t pretend anymore. Thank goodness for the solace of my car in an empty parking lot. That’s how I coped, I suppose there should be a better way, shouldn’t there? But then, that’s not staying positive! Another one I hated hearing.
When my dad was diagnosed with chronic leukemia I wasn’t an oncology nurse yet, and I didn’t know how to process it. I was a mess for a while, but as I learned more and saw him go through the watch and wait, and then treatment, the more I knew, the more reassured I felt. I think it’s good to educate yourself on the disease process of a family member or yourself, even though you might be afraid of what you might learn. It’s better to know than be in the dark, then you can be more effective as a caregiver, friend, or informed patient.
“You’ve got this” is one of the most offensive statements, IMO. Maybe-just maybe, if an experienced, knowledgeable oncologist said it to the patient they are treating it might be a little bit of reassurance, but oncologists know better than to say that, because no one can ever predict the future. The layperson saying that is not cancer literate or emotionally tuned-in. They are regarding cancer like a sporting event.
What matters most to me, and what I think would matter most to me with a cancer diagnosis, is straight information. Nothing held back. I don’t like it when doctors assume you wouldn’t understand. I do understand you have to explain things clearly if the person doesn’t have a medical background, but the treatment staff should be able to tailor their information in terms of the patient’s literacy. Nurses are great for translating medical-ese.
We recently went through a difficult family situation when my brother in law had liver cancer, due to lack of health literacy on the part of some of the family members. It was horrible and ugly, even after he died, and my husband is still somewhat traumatized by it.
Witnessing your dad's illness and death had to be so hard. It's not surprising you're the sort of person who craves all the information she can get. I'm that way, too.
I loathe the "You've got this" platitude. It doesn't even really make sense to me. Most of the war metaphors annoy me, though, I realize some cancer patients like them. To each her own.
I'm sorry your family went through a difficult situation made even more difficult due to lack of health literacy on the part of some family members. Was there disagreement on EOL treatment path? Of course, I don't mean to pry. I'm sorry your husband is still somewhat traumatized by the ordeal. Understandable.
Thank you for reading, sharing your insights, and restacking, too. Also, thank you for that Note you wrote upon Biden's diagnosis that got me thinking about writing this piece. I appreciate you.
Thank you, Nancy. Yes the kerfuffle over my brother-in-law happened because when he was first diagnosed, they were discussing treatment options and someone in the family asked about a liver transplant. His oncologist told him he was not a candidate for a liver transplant, but that they could do chemo. The same same relative insisted that he get a second opinion for a liver transplant so he went all the way to Houston and got the same result, not a candidate. When we talk to our brother-in-law about it, he said he didn’t want to do chemo and would rather just live out his life Without doing any treatment and that hospice would be a possibility at the end. That was his decision to make for himself and I happen to agree with it, knowing what I know, but I didn’t say anything because I chose to stay out of the immediate family business except for talking with my husband. The same relative who insisted on a liver transplant, got mad at my husband because he thought my husband should’ve pushed chemo. It was his brother‘s decision and Dennis agreed with it too. He ended up living two more years with fairly decent quality of life until the last six months. I don’t think he would’ve lived that long or as well if he had done chemo. This particular relative still thinks Dennis is partially responsible for John’s death and has made that known to the family. Dennis realizes the ignorance factor here, but it is still hurtful and has driven a rift between him and the rest of his family. That, in a nutshell is what happened?
Thank you for sharing all this. I'm glad your brother-in-law ended up doing what he wanted to do regarding treatment. It's too bad the relative that didn't support that decision holds it against your husband. Family dynamics and relationships take a hit with cancer, too. I'm sorry your family has been one of them. Thanks again for sharing.
There’s a line in your piece that really stayed with me: "Every cancer is different. Every cancer patient’s body reacts differently to the cancer and to treatment."
It seems so simple, yet it's a profound reminder that we must resist the urge to generalize. We often look for patterns, for predictability, but cancer defies such categorization. Each journey is unique, each body responds in its own way, and each person's path will be distinct.
This underscores the importance of individualized care, both medical and emotional. It reminds us to listen, to truly listen, to the person in front of us and their unique experience. It’s a call for empathy over assumption, for understanding over judgment. How often do we forget to take this simple wisdom into other areas of our lives?
Hi Alex,
I'm glad that line resonated. It's so obvious, or should be, that every cancer, every person, every situation is unique. And yet, generalizing is so easy. Too often we reach for easy.
You're so right about the need for individualized care, regardless of medical situation. Empathy over assumption. Love that phrase. As you suggested, it's something we should carry over into other areas of our lives, too.
Thank you so much for reading and sharing some thoughts. I appreciate you.
It’s mind-boggling to me that Joe Biden has been inundated with such criticism in learning that he has metastatic cancer. Biden is one of the most empathetic people you’ll find. He deserves empathy in return.
Hi Eileen,
It is mind-blogging, isn't it? And yet... not all that surprising. I am so tired of the blame game, too, regarding the so-called coverup of Biden's decline while in the White House. I mean, the present guy who occupies it, what about him? The GOP has been party to one of the most massive coverups in history. And it's still going on. He's obviously unfit. Always has been. In more ways than one.
And you're so right, Biden deserves empathy and more.
Thank you for reading and taking time to comment. I appreciate you.
Great piece, Nancy. I don't know any family that has not had to deal with this in some way. It was pretty surprising for me to hear about Joe Biden's diagnosis given the fact that he received exceptional medical care, but when I did some research on prostate cancer, guidelines did not recommend checking for it after the age of 70. And, as you mentioned, perhaps that will need to change. I wish the Biden family well and just hope that people will just leave his family alone to deal with this privately.
Hi Nancy,
I know, right? I find it a bit odd Biden hadn't been screened for prostate cancer since 2014. Of course, we don't know if that was entirely his choice. Some people pass on the screenings. And yes, the guidelines can be murky and confusing. Like you, I hope people will leave him and his family alone to deal with this privately. Somehow, I doubt that will happen.
Thank you for reading and sharing some thoughts. I appreciate you.
Thank you for this insightful article. My mother died of ovarian cancer when I was 26 ... many many decades ago. The sad irony of her case was she was a nurse on the cancer ward where she ultimately died. She watched many of her friends die there. She was in the hospital for a month before the doctors finally did exploratory surgery and came up with a diagnosis. Ovarian is such a sneaky cancer, I doubt if much has changed in the process. Even the screening test is suspect with too many false readings. And don't get me started on family dynamics and attitudes that multiply the toxic relationships. Cancer not only kills the patient. It kills the family too.
Hi Sue,
I'm so sorry to learn about your mother dying from ovarian cancer when you were only 26. That's so sad. And yes, it is ironic she was a nurse on the cancer ward. Cancer is such a cruel beast. In so many ways. Screening for ovarian cancer hasn't yet reached a reliable level. Again, RESEARCH. We all know what a hit that is taking these days.
Family dynamics can be harshly impacted by cancer, that's for sure. I'm sorry if this has been the case for yours.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and restacking, too. I appreciate you.
Hi Nancy,
Your essay is poignant, and it raises excellent points. What gets me is all the criticism and judgment that Biden has to deal with in addition to his Stage 4 diagnosis.
Like you, I have heard those words that I had breast cancer, and that is when my world fell apart. I also chose a very aggressive treatment -- chemo and radiation simultaneously, as my oncologist strongly recommended it.
Judgment has not just followed Biden, and it had followed me after treatment (and I know I'm so lucky that my treatment ended) in the form of a support group. Right after treatment, these breast cancer survivors would pick on me and question my oncologist's treatment plan for me, based on -- get this -- what their oncologists chose for them. Like you say, every cancer is different. Luckily, I left this non-support group before these vultures could do more damage to me.
That being said, I can't imagine being scrutinized for having cancer the way Biden is. People in our society -- thanks to the cruelty that's encouraged nowadays -- are so critical of him. I want to say, "Leave the poor guy alone!" It's hard enough to have cancer, and it's even harder to be scrutinized and criticized while dealing with this disease.
And those platitudes? They are ridiculous. I especially love (pardon the sarcasm here) that "God doesn't give us more than we can handle." Oh, and when I told a co-worker I was feeling really ill from treatments, she said flippantly, "Well at least you look good." Huh?
Thank you for the mention; I appreciate this. Cancer is a real mental bomb, and I am still spinning.
Hi Beth,
Since Biden is a former president and remains in the public eye, I get the attention he's been getting upon diagnosis. Being judged about it is another matter. Public scrutiny and unfair judgment will make dealing with an already difficult situation even harder.
I'm sorry you felt judged and picked on at a support group, nonetheless. What horrible support! I'm glad you left that group in your rear view mirror.
As you know, the platitudes drive me a little crazy. What did you say to that co-worker? I imagine it caught you offguard and likely left you speechless.
Cancer is a physical and a mental bomb. Good way to put it. I'm sorry you're still spinning. I'm not sure if I'm still spinning, but I am definitely still feeling the vibrations from cancer fallout and always will.
Thank you for your kind words. As always your kind words and support mean the world to me. Hugs. x
Thank you for your kind comment. Yes, that co-worker's remark left me speechless. It's not something one expects to hear. I was in shock, frankly. Cancer fallout is always there.
Great post, my friend.
You're welcome. I can only imagine how that comment made you feel...not something one expects to hear indeed. And yes, the fallout remains. Grateful we can continue to help each navigate it.
Thank you, Nancy.
Hi Ginni,
You're welcome. Thank you for reading, commenting, and restacking, too. I appreciate you.
Nancy, you perfectly articulate the emotional impact of a cancer diagnosis, especially the "trigger effect" for survivors. Your points about the misconceptions surrounding Stage 4 cancer and the unhelpfulness of platitudes are so important for fostering more empathetic and realistic conversations.
Hi Marie,
Thank you for your supportive words. Triggers are many and varied, that's for sure. And any time I get the chance to move the conversation forward about metastatic disease, I intend to try to do that.
Thank you for reading and taking time to comment, too. I appreciate you.
The “You’ve got this!” What if I don’t? We’re all expected to be chipper and smiling at all times. Sometimes, I just couldn’t pretend anymore. Thank goodness for the solace of my car in an empty parking lot. That’s how I coped, I suppose there should be a better way, shouldn’t there? But then, that’s not staying positive! Another one I hated hearing.
Hi Mary,
I've never understood, "You've got this". I mean, really? And yeah, the just stay positive one gets old.
Thank you for reading and commenting, too. I appreciate you.
When my dad was diagnosed with chronic leukemia I wasn’t an oncology nurse yet, and I didn’t know how to process it. I was a mess for a while, but as I learned more and saw him go through the watch and wait, and then treatment, the more I knew, the more reassured I felt. I think it’s good to educate yourself on the disease process of a family member or yourself, even though you might be afraid of what you might learn. It’s better to know than be in the dark, then you can be more effective as a caregiver, friend, or informed patient.
“You’ve got this” is one of the most offensive statements, IMO. Maybe-just maybe, if an experienced, knowledgeable oncologist said it to the patient they are treating it might be a little bit of reassurance, but oncologists know better than to say that, because no one can ever predict the future. The layperson saying that is not cancer literate or emotionally tuned-in. They are regarding cancer like a sporting event.
What matters most to me, and what I think would matter most to me with a cancer diagnosis, is straight information. Nothing held back. I don’t like it when doctors assume you wouldn’t understand. I do understand you have to explain things clearly if the person doesn’t have a medical background, but the treatment staff should be able to tailor their information in terms of the patient’s literacy. Nurses are great for translating medical-ese.
We recently went through a difficult family situation when my brother in law had liver cancer, due to lack of health literacy on the part of some of the family members. It was horrible and ugly, even after he died, and my husband is still somewhat traumatized by it.
Thanks for another thought provoking post, Nancy.
Hi Alene,
Witnessing your dad's illness and death had to be so hard. It's not surprising you're the sort of person who craves all the information she can get. I'm that way, too.
I loathe the "You've got this" platitude. It doesn't even really make sense to me. Most of the war metaphors annoy me, though, I realize some cancer patients like them. To each her own.
I'm sorry your family went through a difficult situation made even more difficult due to lack of health literacy on the part of some family members. Was there disagreement on EOL treatment path? Of course, I don't mean to pry. I'm sorry your husband is still somewhat traumatized by the ordeal. Understandable.
Thank you for reading, sharing your insights, and restacking, too. Also, thank you for that Note you wrote upon Biden's diagnosis that got me thinking about writing this piece. I appreciate you.
Thank you, Nancy. Yes the kerfuffle over my brother-in-law happened because when he was first diagnosed, they were discussing treatment options and someone in the family asked about a liver transplant. His oncologist told him he was not a candidate for a liver transplant, but that they could do chemo. The same same relative insisted that he get a second opinion for a liver transplant so he went all the way to Houston and got the same result, not a candidate. When we talk to our brother-in-law about it, he said he didn’t want to do chemo and would rather just live out his life Without doing any treatment and that hospice would be a possibility at the end. That was his decision to make for himself and I happen to agree with it, knowing what I know, but I didn’t say anything because I chose to stay out of the immediate family business except for talking with my husband. The same relative who insisted on a liver transplant, got mad at my husband because he thought my husband should’ve pushed chemo. It was his brother‘s decision and Dennis agreed with it too. He ended up living two more years with fairly decent quality of life until the last six months. I don’t think he would’ve lived that long or as well if he had done chemo. This particular relative still thinks Dennis is partially responsible for John’s death and has made that known to the family. Dennis realizes the ignorance factor here, but it is still hurtful and has driven a rift between him and the rest of his family. That, in a nutshell is what happened?
Hi Alene,
Thank you for sharing all this. I'm glad your brother-in-law ended up doing what he wanted to do regarding treatment. It's too bad the relative that didn't support that decision holds it against your husband. Family dynamics and relationships take a hit with cancer, too. I'm sorry your family has been one of them. Thanks again for sharing.
Nancy, sorry about the errors in my reply, I was dictating into my phone while walking the girls. Siri needs a grammar lesson!