When the holidays don't feel merry & bright
10 tips for Grievers
Hello, friend.
Welcome and thank you for being here. I’m delighted you are part of this caring community. Your presence is a gift. Truly.
It always astonishes me that so many hesitate to talk about grief when dying, death, and loss are experiences we all have faced, or will some day. Add in the holidays, and the topic becomes even more taboo.
If you’re a Griever (regardless how long it’s been since your dear one died), I hope you find some comfort in today’s essay and that you’ll share some of your wisdom about getting through the holidays after loss.
You never know who your words might comfort, so thank you in advance.
When the holidays don’t feel merry & bright
10 tips for Grievers
Why write about loss and grief during the holidays?
The focus should be on the festivities and good times, right?
Nobody wants to be around a Debbie Downer. (Just for the record, if talking about grief makes me a Debbie Downer, I do not care.) Nobody wants to talk or even think about grief this time of year.
Or do they?
That depends. I get emails from readers who very much do want to talk about grief. If you do as well, this post is for you.
A common thread in those messages is that the individuals have no idea how to face, much less enjoy, the holidays. They tell me things like: I don’t know how I’m going to get through the holidays, or I can’t tell you how much I am dreading the holidays this year.
Maybe you have had those same thoughts. Maybe you are having them right now.
While it’s true, talking about loss and grief is always difficult; it can be even tougher this time of year.
However, the reality is that death and grief do happen during the holidays, too. All one has to do is turn on the news to know there is no reprieve from bad things happening this time of year. Illness and accidents still happen. Diseases continue to be diagnosed and treatments carry on. Lives begin and end in December, too.
If you have recently (or not that recently) experienced a loss, the holidays can be daunting as you wonder how in the world you will maneuver your way through them without falling apart or spoiling everyone else’s good times. You might even have started dreading the holidays when the first leaves started falling — or maybe even before that.
Add to that, the seasonal change of lessening daylight and more darkness, perhaps it’s no wonder this period can be the most difficult for the bereaved.
The holidays may also unexpectedly trigger memories of losses experienced years ago.
In 2007, my family received devasting news about my mother’s cancer progression on Christmas Eve, no less. The shadow of getting that bad news and remembering her last Christmas has forever altered the holiday for me.
If your holidays have been similarly impacted, I get it. And that’s why I keep writing about grief — even during the holidays. I see you, and I want you to know you are not alone.
So, what are you supposed to do when it’s the holidays, and you are grieving?
I wish I had the answers, but of course, I don’t. No one does.
However, I have found a few things that help. Sometimes. But only sometimes because sometimes nothing helps. Sometimes, you just have to ride out the waves of grief that will undoubtedly come.
If you’re grieving this holiday season, I hope the ten tips below help just a bit. Share any advice you have in the comments. Again, you never know who you might be helping get through a difficult time. This is the beauty of community.
1. First and foremost, honor your grief.
Don’t try to fake it, at least not all the time. That’s far too exhausting and doesn’t work anyway. And remember, everyone grieves differently. Grieve your way and don’t forget, there’s no time table. There just isn’t.
2. Talk about your loved one even if it makes you sad, even if it makes others sad or uncomfortable.
Share memories and stories about your dear one(s). Remembering and talking about them honors them and keeps them with you in a very real sense.
It’s okay if the tears start flowing. Sometimes you have to cry before you can laugh. Or vice versa.
3. Set realistic expectations.
If you don’t feel like doing cards, don’t. If you don’t feel like baking, don’t. If your house isn’t the cleanest, so what?
When you’re grieving, even the things you enjoy, or used to enjoy, can feel undoable. If you don’t feel like watching your favorite holiday movies or having a family photo taken with everyone in matching pajamas, that’s okay too. None of that stuff matters.
Do what you feel up to. It’ll be enough. Really, it will be.
4. Decide what you do want to do this year, if anything.
Do you want to continue traditions, or do you want to begin new ones? Or perhaps a combo? It’s also okay to skip all of it. Yes, all of it.
Losing a dear one (including a beloved pet) is hard. You’ve been through a lot. Ditch the pressure to do what’s expected, or what you think is expected.
5. Do something specific in memory of your loved one.
Some people like to light a candle, display a special ornament, set up a grief room, decorate a miniature tree, make a donation in their loved one’s name, or volunteer someplace the loved one would have chosen or cared about.
6. Take care of yourself.
You know the drill. Eat right. Get enough sleep. Exercise. (Okay, try to do these things.)
7. Own your feelings. All of them.
State out loud how you’re feeling. Or, write down your thoughts and feelings. Journaling can be a god-send. The important thing is to acknowledge your genuine thoughts and feelings. They are yours, so own them. No need to apologize or feel guilty.
8. Say no as often as you darn please and stop explaining yourself.
When you’re grieving, you might not want to attend gatherings or participate in events. It’s fine to say, no. And guess what? You don’t have to give a reason why you’re opting out. A simple no thank you (along with thanks for thinking of me) will do just fine. Really, it will.
9. If you do go out, feel free to leave early.
Sometimes you do have to push yourself and go to a family dinner or whatever. But just like going in the first place is up to you, deciding how long to stay is as well. Have a plan B (exit plan).
10. Finally, remind yourself that grief ebbs and flows too.
It’s perfectly fine to have moments of joy mixed with sadness and moments of sadness mixed with joy. Emotions are always jumbled after loss, during the holidays, even more so.
Never feel badly about grieving for your loved one or worry about spoiling the holidays. That would be like feeling badly for loving your dear one.
Because after all, grief is another form of love.
As always, be real. Be you.
It’s enough, even during the holidays, perhaps especially then.
What tip or piece of advice might you add?
Who are you missing this holiday season?
Do you ever feel pressured to put your grief behind you or set it aside for the holidays?
Portions of this article were previously published here.
It’s time to celebrate and a gift for you, too!
My memoir, Cancer Was Not a Gift & It Didn’t Make Me a Better Person, turns nine this month! Woohoo! It remains my best seller, and I’m humbled and grateful readers have found it meaningful. Knowing others appreciate my refusal to sugarcoat the cancer experience means the world to me.
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Thank you for being here with me. I appreciate YOU.
As always, I see you. I hear you, and I care about what you have to say.
Until next time…
Take care of yourself, be kind to someone, and be a light.
With much gratitude,
Nancy
My mom died on Christmas Eve 2000. I would say to not feel guilty about your grief. People say stupid things to you when you're grieving and I found that having a loved one die on Christmas really brought out the stupidity. It's okay to grieve. Even at Christmas. Feel all of your feelings and don't let anyone make you feel bad because you're experiencing them. But I also refuse to allow my grief to take away the happy Christmas memories. My mom loved Christmas and I had little kids at the time, so I had to put on my big girl panties and celebrate whether I wanted to or not. I allow myself time to cry and be sad in the morning on Christmas Eve day (even all these years later) and then I honor my mom by doing the things she loved about Christmas.
This season we are grieving the recent loss of my brother in law who was really my husband’s best friend. He was also my favorite of all my siblings in-law. While we rarely saw him on the holidays, my husband talked with him several times a week on the phone, even before he got sick. I am trying to take care of us by watching my husband’s day to day moods (he’s been a little grumpy lately) and being patient with him and keeping in mind his grief can be waxing and waning. I think if I could offer any words of advice, Nancy, you’ve already said them, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to take it at your own pace. Everyone is different. When I lost my dad four years ago, it took a full two years before it hit me hard. Thank you for this important annual reminder.