My mom died on Christmas Eve 2000. I would say to not feel guilty about your grief. People say stupid things to you when you're grieving and I found that having a loved one die on Christmas really brought out the stupidity. It's okay to grieve. Even at Christmas. Feel all of your feelings and don't let anyone make you feel bad because you're experiencing them. But I also refuse to allow my grief to take away the happy Christmas memories. My mom loved Christmas and I had little kids at the time, so I had to put on my big girl panties and celebrate whether I wanted to or not. I allow myself time to cry and be sad in the morning on Christmas Eve day (even all these years later) and then I honor my mom by doing the things she loved about Christmas.
I’m sorry your mom died on Christmas Eve. I hear you about people saying some stupid things… Your advice is so perfect. My mom loved Christmas too, and the Christmases she put on were like nobody else’s. I grieve for her at Christmas, but like you, I also cherish the many memories I have. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you.
This season we are grieving the recent loss of my brother in law who was really my husband’s best friend. He was also my favorite of all my siblings in-law. While we rarely saw him on the holidays, my husband talked with him several times a week on the phone, even before he got sick. I am trying to take care of us by watching my husband’s day to day moods (he’s been a little grumpy lately) and being patient with him and keeping in mind his grief can be waxing and waning. I think if I could offer any words of advice, Nancy, you’ve already said them, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to take it at your own pace. Everyone is different. When I lost my dad four years ago, it took a full two years before it hit me hard. Thank you for this important annual reminder.
I'm so sorry about your brother-in-law. One of my brothers-in-law died in July, so I get it. When our siblings die, it must be so hard. Losing those who've been with us our entire lives presents a unique sort of grief. No wonder your husband's been a little grumpy. You are kind to be extra patient with him.
Your advice is so good. Everyone is so different in how we grieve, too. It doesn't surprise me that it took a while for the impact of your dad's death to really hit you. Losing my dad was in some ways harder than when my mom died. Death and grief are just hard no matter the circumstance. All the more reason to talk about both.
All Grievers need an extra dose of compassion, this time of year especially. So, thank you for reading and taking time to comment. I appreciate you.
Alene, I remember when your brother-in-law passed away. It is so difficult to lose a sibling. You are perceptive to observe your husband's moods and be there for each other. And you are right grief runs at its own pace, depending on the individual who is doing the grieving. Sending hugs.
Thank you, Nancy, for this thoughtful post. The holidays can be so tough after loss, and your tips offer gentle encouragement and practical advice. Sharing this with those who might need it. Marie
I know you have experienced painful losses. I'm thinking your dear mum died in December, am I correct? Grief is hard anytime of year, but for so many, the holidays are particularly hard. This is something we should all keep in mind. Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing. I appreciate you.
What a truly timely and necessary post. People may feel entitled not to want to hear about grief, but I think it's necessary to think about one's grief and honor it, as you say. This kind of conversation is always needed, and I believe your essay and advice are spot-on.
I am currently still grieving my aunt Helene, who died in 2017. I feel a range of emotions, from the inner child being angry that she left me, to bargaining with God if I could just have her back for one more day to crying intensely. One day I'm happy and all I need is a reminder, and I get sad, or I stay happy if it's a good memory. I truly believe she has meshed herself into my heart forever because I feel her in my heart. Always. What I love is that people who know me and knew her tell me I'm just like her. She has had the most positive impact on my life of any adult.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I cannot count how many times I called her on the phone (I live a distance from New York City, where I grew up), crying. And she kept calming me down from fear to fear. I could go on and on about how she molded me into the kind of person I've always wanted to be. I miss her so much. The shortened days, as you say, and the holidays bring up all the memories.
I do journal about her, and I realize that for years, I would go to NY (she lived in Manhattan) to spend time with family, but especially her. Now I have very little reason to visit my hometown. That's how much she meant to me.
What a truly wonderful gift to have had your aunt Helene in your life. We all need an aunt Helene. I bet she was very proud of you and felt that you were a blessing in her life, too. What a compliment when people tell you that you are just like her. That must mean so much. I'm glad you have such wonderful memories - I like to call such memories treasures for your heart. But of course, the sadness and pain of losing her will remain with you always as well. That's the way it is with grief. Thank you for reading and sharing about your dear aunt. I appreciate you. Hugs, my friend.
The holidays can be so painful for so many and my heart goes out to them. My mother died on Valentine's Day and although it's never been a holiday I've been over the moon about, it certainly didn't help at all. I still get a lump in my throat on that day. But I also have so many wonderful memories that I dwell far more on them. That's what helps me.
Yes, the holidays are rough for so many. Gosh, Valentine's Day holds sadness for you, then. Of course, it doesn't matter what day a loved one dies. Any day is hard and becomes a reminder year in and year out. You're so right about those memories. I have a lot of wonderful ones of both my parents and that is a blessing - no matter what day it is.
Thank you for reading and sharing. I appreciate you.
My mom died on Christmas Eve 2000. I would say to not feel guilty about your grief. People say stupid things to you when you're grieving and I found that having a loved one die on Christmas really brought out the stupidity. It's okay to grieve. Even at Christmas. Feel all of your feelings and don't let anyone make you feel bad because you're experiencing them. But I also refuse to allow my grief to take away the happy Christmas memories. My mom loved Christmas and I had little kids at the time, so I had to put on my big girl panties and celebrate whether I wanted to or not. I allow myself time to cry and be sad in the morning on Christmas Eve day (even all these years later) and then I honor my mom by doing the things she loved about Christmas.
I’m sorry your mom died on Christmas Eve. I hear you about people saying some stupid things… Your advice is so perfect. My mom loved Christmas too, and the Christmases she put on were like nobody else’s. I grieve for her at Christmas, but like you, I also cherish the many memories I have. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you.
This season we are grieving the recent loss of my brother in law who was really my husband’s best friend. He was also my favorite of all my siblings in-law. While we rarely saw him on the holidays, my husband talked with him several times a week on the phone, even before he got sick. I am trying to take care of us by watching my husband’s day to day moods (he’s been a little grumpy lately) and being patient with him and keeping in mind his grief can be waxing and waning. I think if I could offer any words of advice, Nancy, you’ve already said them, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to take it at your own pace. Everyone is different. When I lost my dad four years ago, it took a full two years before it hit me hard. Thank you for this important annual reminder.
Hi Alene,
I'm so sorry about your brother-in-law. One of my brothers-in-law died in July, so I get it. When our siblings die, it must be so hard. Losing those who've been with us our entire lives presents a unique sort of grief. No wonder your husband's been a little grumpy. You are kind to be extra patient with him.
Your advice is so good. Everyone is so different in how we grieve, too. It doesn't surprise me that it took a while for the impact of your dad's death to really hit you. Losing my dad was in some ways harder than when my mom died. Death and grief are just hard no matter the circumstance. All the more reason to talk about both.
All Grievers need an extra dose of compassion, this time of year especially. So, thank you for reading and taking time to comment. I appreciate you.
Alene, I remember when your brother-in-law passed away. It is so difficult to lose a sibling. You are perceptive to observe your husband's moods and be there for each other. And you are right grief runs at its own pace, depending on the individual who is doing the grieving. Sending hugs.
Thank you, Nancy, for this thoughtful post. The holidays can be so tough after loss, and your tips offer gentle encouragement and practical advice. Sharing this with those who might need it. Marie
Hi Marie,
I know you have experienced painful losses. I'm thinking your dear mum died in December, am I correct? Grief is hard anytime of year, but for so many, the holidays are particularly hard. This is something we should all keep in mind. Thank you for reading, commenting, and sharing. I appreciate you.
Hi Nancy,
What a truly timely and necessary post. People may feel entitled not to want to hear about grief, but I think it's necessary to think about one's grief and honor it, as you say. This kind of conversation is always needed, and I believe your essay and advice are spot-on.
I am currently still grieving my aunt Helene, who died in 2017. I feel a range of emotions, from the inner child being angry that she left me, to bargaining with God if I could just have her back for one more day to crying intensely. One day I'm happy and all I need is a reminder, and I get sad, or I stay happy if it's a good memory. I truly believe she has meshed herself into my heart forever because I feel her in my heart. Always. What I love is that people who know me and knew her tell me I'm just like her. She has had the most positive impact on my life of any adult.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, I cannot count how many times I called her on the phone (I live a distance from New York City, where I grew up), crying. And she kept calming me down from fear to fear. I could go on and on about how she molded me into the kind of person I've always wanted to be. I miss her so much. The shortened days, as you say, and the holidays bring up all the memories.
I do journal about her, and I realize that for years, I would go to NY (she lived in Manhattan) to spend time with family, but especially her. Now I have very little reason to visit my hometown. That's how much she meant to me.
Hi Beth,
What a truly wonderful gift to have had your aunt Helene in your life. We all need an aunt Helene. I bet she was very proud of you and felt that you were a blessing in her life, too. What a compliment when people tell you that you are just like her. That must mean so much. I'm glad you have such wonderful memories - I like to call such memories treasures for your heart. But of course, the sadness and pain of losing her will remain with you always as well. That's the way it is with grief. Thank you for reading and sharing about your dear aunt. I appreciate you. Hugs, my friend.
The holidays can be so painful for so many and my heart goes out to them. My mother died on Valentine's Day and although it's never been a holiday I've been over the moon about, it certainly didn't help at all. I still get a lump in my throat on that day. But I also have so many wonderful memories that I dwell far more on them. That's what helps me.
Hi Donna,
Yes, the holidays are rough for so many. Gosh, Valentine's Day holds sadness for you, then. Of course, it doesn't matter what day a loved one dies. Any day is hard and becomes a reminder year in and year out. You're so right about those memories. I have a lot of wonderful ones of both my parents and that is a blessing - no matter what day it is.
Thank you for reading and sharing. I appreciate you.