Hi Nancy, this is an important, thought-provoking post.
I do talk about cancer to my closest friends, but for my family members and other friends, I shut up. They are not supportive because cancer supposedly is over for me, as I was diagnosed 23 years ago. They no longer acknowledge my cancer experience. This has been beyond hurtful to me.
I think about cancer every damn day. Like your mirror, mine doesn't lie. The scars are there forever. Also, cancer has has so many negative effects on my psyche. I have PTSD that will NEVER go away. Luckily healthcare professionals are the ones that often are the most helpful.
I have a stellar psychotherapist, a terrific psychiatrist, and other types of professionals that have helped me and acknowledged the importance of my story. But mental health topics are a huge stigma. Society doesn't like such talk.
Ok my rant is over. Thank you for your excellent post. And, yes, we need to keep the cancer conversation going.
I'm sorry you're unable to talk with your family and some friends. I hear you on that. For me, it's not so much that I can't, but some think it's all behind me, and what more is there to say. Which I get, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm grateful for this community and friends like you who will always be open to listening. Because as we know, it's never over, and the fallout continues. So glad you have a stellar psychotherapist and other professionals to help you when you need it. Thank you for being here. Rant any time!
I have to agree with you - cancer is never over. Just as I was walking away from being clear of triple negative breast cancer, it turns out I was then diagnosed with a large brain tumour the size of an apple (quite spectacularly, after collapsing at home and being rushed into hospital unconscious). I woke up a few days later not quite sure what the hell was going on and after being discharged, I managed to get my poor beleaguered brain around what on earth was happening.
I had surgery on the 17th January to remove the tumour. I came around and was able to speak and so forth so It went well, I thought… until my radiologist told me the surgeons hadn’t been able to get all of the cancer cells and the tumour had begun growing again. Marvellous. I now await radiotherapy and hope I can have some life left to do daft things. I don’t have a bucket list, more a f*ckit list!
So I agree, talking about cancer is so important! It never leaves any of us, even those with scars from previous surgeries.
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. How traumatizing! And now, you're facing radiotherapy. It's incredible the things cancer puts us through. I hope this treatment is successful and not too harsh.
Like you, I have no bucket list either. (Just fyi, I wrote about that in my book, Emerging). I'm with you on the f*ckit list though.
Talking about all this stuff is important - for a lot reasons. Thank you for saying you enjoyed reading this piece. I'm glad it resonated. My best to you as you deal with the brain radiotherapy. Keep us posted. Thank you for being here with me.
Thank you for talking about this. It would have never occurred to me to think of cancer being “over” as that’s certainly not a medical viewpoint. Cancer is very scary for people and denial is just easier.
Unfortunately, there are many folks who see cancer as an over and done deal. The experience is life-altering in so many ways, and the fallout is forever, for me anyway.
Love this quote from @DRSTACYWENTWORTH: "The world is DESPERATE for patients with cancer (especially women) to move on. And yet the mind and body tell you that it’s going to take time."
I think she's spot on regarding the expectation for women being higher. As for me, moving forward, that I can and have done. Moving on, not going to happen.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and subscribing too! Appreciate you being here.
Cancer and grief, in fact, no life-altering experience has a tidy endpoint. Life is many things, but tidy it is not. Your family understands this on a deep level. I'm humbled to think I inspired your post. Thank you for reading and sharing the link too. Grateful and honored to have your words shared here.
Hi Nancy, what an interesting topic because it's something every one of us is dealing with. As much as I would love for cancer to just disappear from my life, I know it never will. I will always have poor body image, a sense that it may someday return and the fear of one of my daughters or friends receiving a diagnosis. This yr I decided to cancel my upcoming appointment with my oncologist because she feels that the odds of a recurrence are becoming much slimmer. She said that I will know if there's a serious concern and then I'll make an appointment. I trust her on this. Cancer will never be over for me and I won't dwell on it but I'll always talk about it because it was and continues to be a life changing experience.
You and I are on the same page as our thoughts definitely align. Cancer will never be over for me either. This is just a fact, and not talking about it would be unnatural, although I talk about it in limited spaces these days. Which I'm fine with. I'm so grateful you are here with me and willing to talk about these things too. Thank you for reading and commenting, too. Happy spring!
Excellent post! Fortunately, no one has asked me that question, but I imagine the people who would are the ones who ghosted me years ago. With my third, metastatic, diagnosis, I am sometimes asked "When will your treatment be over?" That just reinforces how much more education is needed about Stage 4, and I am honest with them because they are genuinely concerned.
I heard a negative comment recently, though, about someone else who was "playing the cancer card". I let it pass, regretted it later because of the situation, and I won't be silent next time. WHY NOT play the cancer card sometimes? It's the only way some people pay attention.
Two statements in your post really stood out: "There isn't a tidy endpoint to the cancer experience." and "The hard work continues." Indeed, it does...
I can't believe people still ask you when your treatment will be over. Then again, I'm not surprised. That does indeed reinforce how much more education is needed about metastatic breast cancer.
And I agree, sometimes you need to "play the cancer card"! Thank you so much for reading and sharing. I'm glad the post resonated. Thank you for being here.
Yup. After almost 25 years it is still very much on my mind. Like Beth said, the scars and, for me, the Frankenstein monster body are enough to keep it at the forefront of my mind. That and the thought that it can and might reappear at any time. No one will tell us we are "cured" so of course we will live with that fear. I just try to keep my thoughts to myself. No one can help anyway. All they can do is offer platitudes and the whole situation gets awkward so I tend to keep quiet.
Your words on spot on. I generally tend to keep quiet in the real world, but here...not so much. I love this safe space. Thank you for sharing and being part of it.
I think it’s good to keep focusing on cancer even in remission because there’s still aspects that remind us and we have to be able to share that. I also think it’s important because we can make a difference to others and bring support to improving care and canceling cancer.
It'll never be over for me. That's just a fact. For so many reasons. I agree, it's important to share about our experiences to support others and try to make their experiences a bit easier.
Hi Nancy, this is an important, thought-provoking post.
I do talk about cancer to my closest friends, but for my family members and other friends, I shut up. They are not supportive because cancer supposedly is over for me, as I was diagnosed 23 years ago. They no longer acknowledge my cancer experience. This has been beyond hurtful to me.
I think about cancer every damn day. Like your mirror, mine doesn't lie. The scars are there forever. Also, cancer has has so many negative effects on my psyche. I have PTSD that will NEVER go away. Luckily healthcare professionals are the ones that often are the most helpful.
I have a stellar psychotherapist, a terrific psychiatrist, and other types of professionals that have helped me and acknowledged the importance of my story. But mental health topics are a huge stigma. Society doesn't like such talk.
Ok my rant is over. Thank you for your excellent post. And, yes, we need to keep the cancer conversation going.
Hi Beth,
I'm sorry you're unable to talk with your family and some friends. I hear you on that. For me, it's not so much that I can't, but some think it's all behind me, and what more is there to say. Which I get, and I'm actually okay with it. I'm grateful for this community and friends like you who will always be open to listening. Because as we know, it's never over, and the fallout continues. So glad you have a stellar psychotherapist and other professionals to help you when you need it. Thank you for being here. Rant any time!
Hi Nancy
I have to agree with you - cancer is never over. Just as I was walking away from being clear of triple negative breast cancer, it turns out I was then diagnosed with a large brain tumour the size of an apple (quite spectacularly, after collapsing at home and being rushed into hospital unconscious). I woke up a few days later not quite sure what the hell was going on and after being discharged, I managed to get my poor beleaguered brain around what on earth was happening.
I had surgery on the 17th January to remove the tumour. I came around and was able to speak and so forth so It went well, I thought… until my radiologist told me the surgeons hadn’t been able to get all of the cancer cells and the tumour had begun growing again. Marvellous. I now await radiotherapy and hope I can have some life left to do daft things. I don’t have a bucket list, more a f*ckit list!
So I agree, talking about cancer is so important! It never leaves any of us, even those with scars from previous surgeries.
I really enjoyed reading your post xxx
Hi Mary,
Oh my gosh, I'm sorry you're dealing with all this. How traumatizing! And now, you're facing radiotherapy. It's incredible the things cancer puts us through. I hope this treatment is successful and not too harsh.
Like you, I have no bucket list either. (Just fyi, I wrote about that in my book, Emerging). I'm with you on the f*ckit list though.
Talking about all this stuff is important - for a lot reasons. Thank you for saying you enjoyed reading this piece. I'm glad it resonated. My best to you as you deal with the brain radiotherapy. Keep us posted. Thank you for being here with me.
Thank you for talking about this. It would have never occurred to me to think of cancer being “over” as that’s certainly not a medical viewpoint. Cancer is very scary for people and denial is just easier.
Hi Dr. Brown,
Unfortunately, there are many folks who see cancer as an over and done deal. The experience is life-altering in so many ways, and the fallout is forever, for me anyway.
Love this quote from @DRSTACYWENTWORTH: "The world is DESPERATE for patients with cancer (especially women) to move on. And yet the mind and body tell you that it’s going to take time."
I think she's spot on regarding the expectation for women being higher. As for me, moving forward, that I can and have done. Moving on, not going to happen.
Thank you for reading, commenting, and subscribing too! Appreciate you being here.
Thank you for this post Nancy. Just as I was considering memories from six years ago for my own family and our cancer journey. You helped inspire this post: https://gratefulbloomer.com/blog/immersed-in-memories
Neither cancer experiences nor grief have tidy endpoints. And they shouldn't. Life isn't tidy when it matters most.
Thank you!
Hi Lisa,
Cancer and grief, in fact, no life-altering experience has a tidy endpoint. Life is many things, but tidy it is not. Your family understands this on a deep level. I'm humbled to think I inspired your post. Thank you for reading and sharing the link too. Grateful and honored to have your words shared here.
Hi Nancy, what an interesting topic because it's something every one of us is dealing with. As much as I would love for cancer to just disappear from my life, I know it never will. I will always have poor body image, a sense that it may someday return and the fear of one of my daughters or friends receiving a diagnosis. This yr I decided to cancel my upcoming appointment with my oncologist because she feels that the odds of a recurrence are becoming much slimmer. She said that I will know if there's a serious concern and then I'll make an appointment. I trust her on this. Cancer will never be over for me and I won't dwell on it but I'll always talk about it because it was and continues to be a life changing experience.
Hi Donna,
You and I are on the same page as our thoughts definitely align. Cancer will never be over for me either. This is just a fact, and not talking about it would be unnatural, although I talk about it in limited spaces these days. Which I'm fine with. I'm so grateful you are here with me and willing to talk about these things too. Thank you for reading and commenting, too. Happy spring!
Excellent post! Fortunately, no one has asked me that question, but I imagine the people who would are the ones who ghosted me years ago. With my third, metastatic, diagnosis, I am sometimes asked "When will your treatment be over?" That just reinforces how much more education is needed about Stage 4, and I am honest with them because they are genuinely concerned.
I heard a negative comment recently, though, about someone else who was "playing the cancer card". I let it pass, regretted it later because of the situation, and I won't be silent next time. WHY NOT play the cancer card sometimes? It's the only way some people pay attention.
Two statements in your post really stood out: "There isn't a tidy endpoint to the cancer experience." and "The hard work continues." Indeed, it does...
Hi Meredith,
I can't believe people still ask you when your treatment will be over. Then again, I'm not surprised. That does indeed reinforce how much more education is needed about metastatic breast cancer.
And I agree, sometimes you need to "play the cancer card"! Thank you so much for reading and sharing. I'm glad the post resonated. Thank you for being here.
Yup. After almost 25 years it is still very much on my mind. Like Beth said, the scars and, for me, the Frankenstein monster body are enough to keep it at the forefront of my mind. That and the thought that it can and might reappear at any time. No one will tell us we are "cured" so of course we will live with that fear. I just try to keep my thoughts to myself. No one can help anyway. All they can do is offer platitudes and the whole situation gets awkward so I tend to keep quiet.
Hi Avsfan,
Your words on spot on. I generally tend to keep quiet in the real world, but here...not so much. I love this safe space. Thank you for sharing and being part of it.
I love seeing your little friends! 🪻🌷🌼
Hi Christina,
I love seeing them too! They are such reliable, hardy bloomers. Now, I can say spring has arrived!
They are! It’s good to have wonderful reminders Spring’s arrival. 🙂 🪻
Indeed!
I think it’s good to keep focusing on cancer even in remission because there’s still aspects that remind us and we have to be able to share that. I also think it’s important because we can make a difference to others and bring support to improving care and canceling cancer.
Hello again,
It'll never be over for me. That's just a fact. For so many reasons. I agree, it's important to share about our experiences to support others and try to make their experiences a bit easier.