Hi Nancy, I loved your memoir, and I thank you for reposting this excerpt. All your stories are important, and I strongly believe these stories are so crucial in helping you and others at least feel heard.
I'm so sorry you had to endure cancer and the horrific surgery that often comes with it. And I know it was so difficult for your family to endure this, as well. Surgery sucks. It just does. Cancer sucks, too.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my surgeon strongly recommended a lumpectomy, and I would get radiation and chemotherapy at the same time (the latter decided by my oncologist). I didn't want a single or double mastectomy, and my breast conservationist surgeon felt strongly that I should get a lumpectomy.
Later I would discover that this was a mistake.
My surgeon didn't get clean margins, so I had to have a re-excision, which totally deformed my right breast. And I remember the first time I had to drain fluid from the awful Jackson Pratt drains. I stayed in the bathroom and sobbed.
While my surgeon was competent, it didn't seem to bother him about my disfiguration, which is what in my mind had happened. And for the next five years after radiation and chemo, I would continue to get scares and live in hell. Finally after a doozy of a scare, I got a bilateral mastectomy with DIEP Flap reconstruction. My former breast surgeon told me not to do this. I fired him.
I reasoned that he may be knowledgeable about medicine, but he didn't know squat about my body.
I'm sorry you had to endure all that before you had your bilateral and DIEP flap reconstruction. Not that that part was a piece of cake either. But you had so much added agony. I'm glad you finally made the best decision for you. And good for you for firing that breast surgeon. And for writing your book about self-advocating.
Thank you for always supporting my writing and for your kind words about my memoir. You're a gem, and I appreciate you.
Nancy, It’s comforting to be reminded that there’s no “right” way to hold a hard anniversary—and that sharing can be an act of care for others as much as for ourselves. Thank you for creating that space x
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt journey and memories. I cannot relate to these specifics, but I so appreciate you recognizing the value of sharing to help others. When my husband passed 15 years ago, we were told in the support group that we will find ourselves in the paths of others who will value our experiences. I firmly believe that applies to all situations. We are one community, one family. ❤
I'm sorry about your husband. You're so right about our paths having value for others going through life's challenges - similar or even not. It's why we share our stories. I agree it applies to all situations. We are one community, one family. I love that. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts, too. I appreciate you.
Nancy - this is a lovely piece. The part about observing how hard it must have felt for your kids and husband really resonated with me. It always tears me up to think about the pain I have seen in my husband’s face during cancer battles (my at-the-time 14 year-old had complete confidence that I was going to live; my husband on the other hand, knew too much about what was going on). It was surprising to me how unattached to my breasts I turned out to feel. It’s definitely a weird look with the menopausal belly and nothing ‘on top’, but it has made me a more streamlined swimmer and I love wearing clothes with spaghetti straps - something that would have been inconceivable prior to the mastectomies.
It's so good to hear from you. Yes, the pain I've caused for my family wasn't something I could control, but... I felt really bad for my dad at the time, too. I always wondered which was worse, having a wife or a child diagnosed with cancer. I never asked him.
I'm glad you've come to terms with your post-mastectomy body. I love how you've done that and view it all as making you a more streamlined swimmer. You're an inspiration, and I appreciate you.
Nancy, thank you for this. I appreciate what you say about sharing/not sharing milestones, or letting them go unnoticed. Sometimes that can be a blessing. You are so honest about the details of daily living, how unexpectedly difficult they become. It’s not something that occurs to others. And the pain. Seeing your family. It feels absolutely real. I haven’t experienced cancer myself. But your story helps me understand what my daughter is going through, 5 years from her diagnosis. I’m taking her next week for another surgery and biopsy. She’s a much stronger person than I am. Sending warmth on this wet, chilly day.
Yes, sometimes letting markers/milestones go can be a blessing. Waking up from my mastectomy, I was more concerned about my family and what my diagnosis was doing to them than I was for myself. They had just witnessed my mother's illness and death, so being "that reminder" was something I felt badly for.
It must be so hard for you to witness all your daughter has been going through and is still going through. I'm sure it's equally hard for her as I'd be willing to bet those "being that reminder" thoughts have gone through her mind as well. I am sending love and best wishes to you both as you face this latest round of her cancer experience. My heart is with you both, Mary.
I know reading about my cancer experience can't be easy. And yet, you've done it. I'm grateful, and I appreciate you. Hugs, my friend.
I'm so grateful. As I mentioned, at this point, I don't share my story for my healing. I share it for the women (and those who care about them) out there who are facing, will be facing, or might one day be facing this diagnosis and surgery. Thank you for your support. I appreciate you.
Thank you for this post Nancy. Calling it like it is, and was. I so appreciate this. Each of us have our own stories, and they can feel really lonely, but you help bring us to common ground and shared grief. One of the first things I did when I woke up from my bilateral mastectomies on the afternoon of December 17, 2008 (yes, the dates stick for me too) was look down at my new, flat chest terrain, covered by bandages and steri-strips. That is when grief met healing and the next portion of my cancer experience began. Keep writing!
It's wonderful to hear from you. You're so right that we each have our own story and yet there is that common thread, or as you put it, common ground and shared grief.
When grief met healing - that is beautifully stated. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you.
Nancy, what deep honesty and courage your words hold all these years later. I really admire how you offer your readers, abridged in this post and in full in your memoir, much space for reflection, acknowledgment and shared experience. You remind me that in facing our deepest challenges - whether they're ours or that of someone we love dearly - being seen and heard matters deeply. There's a small part of me that struggles to understand how you found the words and managed to string sentences together. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your memoir so generously.
Yes, being seen and heard matters a great deal, and that's why I share my story - not so much for me anymore, but so others feel seen, heard, and less alone.
Thank you reading and for your kind words. I appreciate you.
Nancy, what an emotional piece you have written. With well over 10 breast surgeries in my past due to suspicious lumps and bumps, and other strange occurrences, I, so far, have escaped the dreaded diagnosis of breast cancer. I even had discussed with my breast surgeon the possibility of a prophylactic mastectomy due to my fear of cancer, but he talked me off the ledge. That was about 30 years ago. I am at higher risk than others and it runs in my family. I consider myself very fortunate thus far. I wish you continued good health.
Gosh, that's a lot of breast surgeries that you've had. I'm sorry you've had to worry about all that, and I understand why you gave serious consideration to a prophylatic mastectomy. Having a higher than average risk for breast cancer is sobering, but it sounds like you're managing your surveillance options in the way that best suits your situation. I wish you continued good health as well. Thank you so much for sharing this personal information. I appreciate you.
Hi Nancy, I loved your memoir, and I thank you for reposting this excerpt. All your stories are important, and I strongly believe these stories are so crucial in helping you and others at least feel heard.
I'm so sorry you had to endure cancer and the horrific surgery that often comes with it. And I know it was so difficult for your family to endure this, as well. Surgery sucks. It just does. Cancer sucks, too.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, my surgeon strongly recommended a lumpectomy, and I would get radiation and chemotherapy at the same time (the latter decided by my oncologist). I didn't want a single or double mastectomy, and my breast conservationist surgeon felt strongly that I should get a lumpectomy.
Later I would discover that this was a mistake.
My surgeon didn't get clean margins, so I had to have a re-excision, which totally deformed my right breast. And I remember the first time I had to drain fluid from the awful Jackson Pratt drains. I stayed in the bathroom and sobbed.
While my surgeon was competent, it didn't seem to bother him about my disfiguration, which is what in my mind had happened. And for the next five years after radiation and chemo, I would continue to get scares and live in hell. Finally after a doozy of a scare, I got a bilateral mastectomy with DIEP Flap reconstruction. My former breast surgeon told me not to do this. I fired him.
I reasoned that he may be knowledgeable about medicine, but he didn't know squat about my body.
Hi Beth,
I'm sorry you had to endure all that before you had your bilateral and DIEP flap reconstruction. Not that that part was a piece of cake either. But you had so much added agony. I'm glad you finally made the best decision for you. And good for you for firing that breast surgeon. And for writing your book about self-advocating.
Thank you for always supporting my writing and for your kind words about my memoir. You're a gem, and I appreciate you.
Nancy, It’s comforting to be reminded that there’s no “right” way to hold a hard anniversary—and that sharing can be an act of care for others as much as for ourselves. Thank you for creating that space x
Thank you for sharing such a heartfelt journey and memories. I cannot relate to these specifics, but I so appreciate you recognizing the value of sharing to help others. When my husband passed 15 years ago, we were told in the support group that we will find ourselves in the paths of others who will value our experiences. I firmly believe that applies to all situations. We are one community, one family. ❤
Hi Nancy,
I'm sorry about your husband. You're so right about our paths having value for others going through life's challenges - similar or even not. It's why we share our stories. I agree it applies to all situations. We are one community, one family. I love that. Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts, too. I appreciate you.
Nancy - this is a lovely piece. The part about observing how hard it must have felt for your kids and husband really resonated with me. It always tears me up to think about the pain I have seen in my husband’s face during cancer battles (my at-the-time 14 year-old had complete confidence that I was going to live; my husband on the other hand, knew too much about what was going on). It was surprising to me how unattached to my breasts I turned out to feel. It’s definitely a weird look with the menopausal belly and nothing ‘on top’, but it has made me a more streamlined swimmer and I love wearing clothes with spaghetti straps - something that would have been inconceivable prior to the mastectomies.
Hi Lessly,
It's so good to hear from you. Yes, the pain I've caused for my family wasn't something I could control, but... I felt really bad for my dad at the time, too. I always wondered which was worse, having a wife or a child diagnosed with cancer. I never asked him.
I'm glad you've come to terms with your post-mastectomy body. I love how you've done that and view it all as making you a more streamlined swimmer. You're an inspiration, and I appreciate you.
Nancy, thank you for this. I appreciate what you say about sharing/not sharing milestones, or letting them go unnoticed. Sometimes that can be a blessing. You are so honest about the details of daily living, how unexpectedly difficult they become. It’s not something that occurs to others. And the pain. Seeing your family. It feels absolutely real. I haven’t experienced cancer myself. But your story helps me understand what my daughter is going through, 5 years from her diagnosis. I’m taking her next week for another surgery and biopsy. She’s a much stronger person than I am. Sending warmth on this wet, chilly day.
Hi Mary,
Yes, sometimes letting markers/milestones go can be a blessing. Waking up from my mastectomy, I was more concerned about my family and what my diagnosis was doing to them than I was for myself. They had just witnessed my mother's illness and death, so being "that reminder" was something I felt badly for.
It must be so hard for you to witness all your daughter has been going through and is still going through. I'm sure it's equally hard for her as I'd be willing to bet those "being that reminder" thoughts have gone through her mind as well. I am sending love and best wishes to you both as you face this latest round of her cancer experience. My heart is with you both, Mary.
I know reading about my cancer experience can't be easy. And yet, you've done it. I'm grateful, and I appreciate you. Hugs, my friend.
Nancy, I'm now going to read your memoir! Thank you for this important post. (I restacked it.)
Hi Debbie,
I'm so grateful. As I mentioned, at this point, I don't share my story for my healing. I share it for the women (and those who care about them) out there who are facing, will be facing, or might one day be facing this diagnosis and surgery. Thank you for your support. I appreciate you.
Thank you for this post Nancy. Calling it like it is, and was. I so appreciate this. Each of us have our own stories, and they can feel really lonely, but you help bring us to common ground and shared grief. One of the first things I did when I woke up from my bilateral mastectomies on the afternoon of December 17, 2008 (yes, the dates stick for me too) was look down at my new, flat chest terrain, covered by bandages and steri-strips. That is when grief met healing and the next portion of my cancer experience began. Keep writing!
Hi Lisa,
It's wonderful to hear from you. You're so right that we each have our own story and yet there is that common thread, or as you put it, common ground and shared grief.
When grief met healing - that is beautifully stated. Thank you for sharing. I appreciate you.
Nancy, what deep honesty and courage your words hold all these years later. I really admire how you offer your readers, abridged in this post and in full in your memoir, much space for reflection, acknowledgment and shared experience. You remind me that in facing our deepest challenges - whether they're ours or that of someone we love dearly - being seen and heard matters deeply. There's a small part of me that struggles to understand how you found the words and managed to string sentences together. Thank you so much for sharing this part of your memoir so generously.
Hi Deborah,
Yes, being seen and heard matters a great deal, and that's why I share my story - not so much for me anymore, but so others feel seen, heard, and less alone.
Thank you reading and for your kind words. I appreciate you.
Nancy, what an emotional piece you have written. With well over 10 breast surgeries in my past due to suspicious lumps and bumps, and other strange occurrences, I, so far, have escaped the dreaded diagnosis of breast cancer. I even had discussed with my breast surgeon the possibility of a prophylactic mastectomy due to my fear of cancer, but he talked me off the ledge. That was about 30 years ago. I am at higher risk than others and it runs in my family. I consider myself very fortunate thus far. I wish you continued good health.
Hi Nancy,
Gosh, that's a lot of breast surgeries that you've had. I'm sorry you've had to worry about all that, and I understand why you gave serious consideration to a prophylatic mastectomy. Having a higher than average risk for breast cancer is sobering, but it sounds like you're managing your surveillance options in the way that best suits your situation. I wish you continued good health as well. Thank you so much for sharing this personal information. I appreciate you.